This last week has lead me to considering forgiveness. For many of us who have been deeply hurt by people to whom we have been vulnerable or with whom we have shared deep relationship forgiveness might feel impossible or even incomprehensible  While anger and resentment can allow us to feel empowered, forgiveness can mistakenly feel like a pardoning, or letting him or her off the hook. The truth is your retained anger and resentment lead to further suffering, and your inability to forgive can keep you stuck.

Our ideas of forgiveness often come from beliefs instilled in our early in life, and through messages you picked up from society or your culture and the media. Whatever your ideas about forgiveness are, your ability to forgive is a life skill that allows you to let go of the feelings that hold you back from living a fulfilling life. Understanding forgiveness and redefining how you perceive the act of forgiving is an essential part of healing from hurtful and emotionally wounding events in our lives.

Here are some forgiveness facts that may help you to understand forgiveness better:

1. Forgiveness is not forgetting: Many of us have heard it said: “Forgive and forget.” Forgiving is not forgetting, nor should have to forget in order to forgive.  We gain valuable learning on which to base decisions for our lives, both in the now and the future, and so it is essential that we remember both good and bad events. Forgetting would be counterproductive.

2. Forgiveness is freedom: Forgiveness frees you from the chains of anger and revenge, which take up valuable space in your mind, body, and heart - it takes from our emotional and physical resources. Hanging on to the negative feelings you are experiencing and have experienced is draining, and does not lead to healing.

3. Forgiveness is about you: It is possible that you were taught that forgiveness is about the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness is actually "selfish" because it allows you to let go of anger, resentment, and malice. Forgiveness is a way to gain self-control. You don’t even have to tell the person who has wounded or hurt you that you forgive him or her for what was done - their consent or understanding is not needed for forgiveness to take place. Forgiveness is a choice, a decision you make - not something you wait to feel towards a perpetrator.

4. Forgiveness is about setting an internal boundary: Not forgiving allows the harm caused by others or an event to persist internally. Refusing to forgive is a resistance to the setting of an internal boundary. This kind of boundary involves a decision to no longer allow a person or event to have control over our emotions and behaviour, we choose to take back control and police the impact we allow others (who may no longer even be alive) to have on us emotionally.

5. Forgiveness is acceptance: It is necessary to feel and acknowledge the depth of the pain you have or are experiencing. Acceptance is by no means an endorsement of the harm done to us but rather about facing the reality of what we have experienced and beginning a journey towards healing.